Detoxing the Wetiko
I guess there's a positive sense of progress (that is, a non-ironic one) I could talk about.
I feel like I know what's going on in my head. A lot. I haven't really sat meditation regularly for awhile--I was pretty good about it before it got to cold to, you know, be in my room. (I usually sleep with my roommate. We're not sexual together or anything, but we are extremely close friends and it is really nice to have someone to sleep with. Sleeping alone can be fucking depressing! Why do we always do that??) Honestly, I'm very accustomed to meditating in my own space, however I've created it. Now, when I can't have it, it sort of distresses me.
Anyway, the point is that even though I haven't been sitting meditation much lately, I have noticed that I have a much better memory and sense of my own thoughts. People ask me "What are you thinking?" and I can tell them in detail. When I sit down to write something, it's easier to remember my chain of thoughts, to hold onto them, to write them down semi-coherently. And it generally helps me avoid quite so many parenthetical and elliptical statements because I get half a chance to organise my thoughts without worrying about losing them.
But I DO think this is related to the process of meditation. I mean, dropping out of school has helped a lot--my mind is less frantic and cluttered, and is able to deal with new material much more gracefully. It was getting pretty hack and slash there for a while. But I noticed learning while I meditated (I usually practised non-judgmental thought observation, leading into quietness) how to observe, and even somewhat remember my thoughts (an effort thanks to Franz Bardon), which has done great things for my short term memory, my ability to retrace conversations.... all sorts of things. I forget how practical things like meditating are--I know that when I meditate it helps me let go of shit, it helps me concentrate, it can even help me remember and maintain grace and equanimity. I know that if I work out, I will have more energy, I will be more vital and attractive, and that I will sleep less and better and have more time in my day. That doesn't always mean, though, that I make that investment. But remembering how good it feels helps.
I think my perspective is drifting away from that of the civilised human. I'm surrendering notions that create the nasty patterns of which civilisation is symptomatic, and while I can still remember and follow the logic of civilisation, it seems dark and twisted and completely pig-ignorant. I hate how self-righteous I sound (and possibly am), but the feeling is like being the only one who is seeing what is going on--that the evidence is all there, there are people who link the facts together, and the logic of it, to me, is inescapable and leads to many beautiful and frightening conclusions, and just as many beautiful and frightening questions.
I feel like I know what's going on in my head. A lot. I haven't really sat meditation regularly for awhile--I was pretty good about it before it got to cold to, you know, be in my room. (I usually sleep with my roommate. We're not sexual together or anything, but we are extremely close friends and it is really nice to have someone to sleep with. Sleeping alone can be fucking depressing! Why do we always do that??) Honestly, I'm very accustomed to meditating in my own space, however I've created it. Now, when I can't have it, it sort of distresses me.
Anyway, the point is that even though I haven't been sitting meditation much lately, I have noticed that I have a much better memory and sense of my own thoughts. People ask me "What are you thinking?" and I can tell them in detail. When I sit down to write something, it's easier to remember my chain of thoughts, to hold onto them, to write them down semi-coherently. And it generally helps me avoid quite so many parenthetical and elliptical statements because I get half a chance to organise my thoughts without worrying about losing them.
But I DO think this is related to the process of meditation. I mean, dropping out of school has helped a lot--my mind is less frantic and cluttered, and is able to deal with new material much more gracefully. It was getting pretty hack and slash there for a while. But I noticed learning while I meditated (I usually practised non-judgmental thought observation, leading into quietness) how to observe, and even somewhat remember my thoughts (an effort thanks to Franz Bardon), which has done great things for my short term memory, my ability to retrace conversations.... all sorts of things. I forget how practical things like meditating are--I know that when I meditate it helps me let go of shit, it helps me concentrate, it can even help me remember and maintain grace and equanimity. I know that if I work out, I will have more energy, I will be more vital and attractive, and that I will sleep less and better and have more time in my day. That doesn't always mean, though, that I make that investment. But remembering how good it feels helps.
I think my perspective is drifting away from that of the civilised human. I'm surrendering notions that create the nasty patterns of which civilisation is symptomatic, and while I can still remember and follow the logic of civilisation, it seems dark and twisted and completely pig-ignorant. I hate how self-righteous I sound (and possibly am), but the feeling is like being the only one who is seeing what is going on--that the evidence is all there, there are people who link the facts together, and the logic of it, to me, is inescapable and leads to many beautiful and frightening conclusions, and just as many beautiful and frightening questions.
posted by SBG at 12:49 AM
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